Maybe…

I really want to go the this show in Tampa where a bunch of the people that I hang out with on MK-O are going to see our favorite dancer (Mark Kanemura obviously) in the last show of the SYTYCD tour.  I didn’t really think it was possible because of the expense of flying out there, buying show tickets (though I’m willing to sit further back), and paying for a hotel room and food and such.  But my husband recently told me that he thought that it would be good for me to go.  That it would be okay to spend the money because it might be a beneficial experience for me.  I’m still not sure about spending all that money, but aside from that, I’m still not sure if I should go.

I want to.  But I’m afraid that when I meet all these people in person that they wouldn’t like me.  That I would make them feel uncomfortable around me.  It’s not that I have really obvious social problems, I don’t drool and tear my hair or anything (or hold my hands on my thighs and make popping noises like that guy on Boston Legal).  But because of my lack of social skills and my mild agoraphobia, my behavior around people is just slightly “off”.  I don’t think that most people even consciously realize why they don’t like being around me because they don’t consciously notice my off-ness, but they notice it subconsciously and it makes them want to stay away from me.  If I noticed that happening, it would probably trigger my depression and anxiety to kick into overdrive.  And then, of course, my behavior would become even more “off” and people would want to avoid me even more, and I would get even more anxious and depressed, and…

It could become a real nightmare.

But maybe that wouldn’t happen.  Maybe I’d be having “good” days, and I’d do well enough that I wouldn’t make people uncomfortable around me.  Maybe I’d even make a new friend or two.  And maybe I’d get to meet Mark again, and maybe he’d even remember me and give me hugs and tell me he actually uses the stuff I gave him.  Maybe I would have a wonderful time.  Maybe.

It’s a lot of money to spend on a maybe.